The Relationship Mix Up

Redefining Relationships – Part 1

Defining today’s marriages will define today’s relationships.  I just wanted to say that statement; it sounds good.  If you look closely at marriages today, you can see into most relationships.  It will show you some things that you would normally not ever think about.  It’s in this type of thinking that makes us see the difference between what’s common and uncommon.

This post is not for people who are married or even preparing for marriage.  It’s for all those impacted by such a relationship, that’s all of us.  Although I’ve used this content many times in premarital coaching sessions, its intent is to make the individual think outside the box that’s been placed on them in the area of their relationship.  The purpose of this post is to get you to think differently about the serious relationships you have.  While marriage is usually the intent of most serious relationships between two people, there are some who don’t desire to get married because they no longer believe in the institution of marriage.  And we can’t blame a person for that, right?  It’s normal.

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Coaching Versus Counseling
If you were to sit down with Pamela and me in preparation for marriage.  One of the 1st things I’d say is, this is not counseling; it’s coaching.  Counseling in essence is a person who gives another their curriculum on how things should be or their approach to how things should be done.  Coaching on the other hand takes what’s in front of you and expose the best of what you have to use.  Let me give you an example you can understand.  No two championship football teams are identical.  They’re not the same because the players aren’t and neither is the talent on the team the same.  In the same way, no two couples are the same.  What works for one to win doesn’t always work for the next.  They have gifts and talents that differ from anyone else on the planet.  So, we simply try to expose these gifts (given by God) and have the couples work together in a way that focuses on their uniqueness as a couple.  We coach their skills.  We give them exercises that build strength and regimens that yield greater stamina and endurance.  We look for ways to identify their opponents so that together they can work to defeat their oppositions.  That’s what it means to be in a relationship.  What’s the point of having these two together anyway, if not to work together?

Divorce Roughly 50% of the Time
You’ve heard this many times.  50% of marriages end in divorce.  But have you ever heard that 50% of Christians who marry end up divorced?  It’s true, just as 50% of non-Christians end up divorced.  That means 50% of those who had pre-marital counseling end up divorced and so do those who have no counseling.  So, what’s the difference?  Not much based on the stats.  Yet, couple after couple do it anyway.  This should go without saying, but I’m not against counseling; I’m pro-counseling.

Every relationship starts with the intent of surviving the tests of time.  No one who willingly gets involved in a relationship is in it for the short-term.  So whether, you are after marriage or not, your goal is a long term relationship nonetheless.  If you think these stats are bad, they get worse.  Stay with me.

I like to perform this exercise with couples.  It’s quite interesting.  Think for a minute.  How many people do you know that have a good or exemplary marriage?  I leave it to you to determine what good is.  Name them.  Are they in your family or circle of friends?  This is important, it tells me (you) where you’re possibly headed if nothing changes.  Now think of all the people you know who have had bad marriages or bad relationships, maybe even been divorced.  I bet this second list was easier to name than the 1st.  It’s easier to name people you know who’ve had messed up relationships, than those who have model marriages.  Why?

The Mix Up
Very few couples are as excited and happy as they were when they began the journey.  Let me ask you this.  Of those you know, are they happy?  Most of the time, not.  How many relationships do you know like this?  Are any friends and family?  Why?  I have a theory.  If having a lasting relationship is good (and it is), marriage then is good.  So wouldn’t the devil, if he’s against what’s good,  try his darndest to keep you from something as good as marriage?  I read in a book that before people get married the devil uses sex (which isn’t right outside of marriage) as a tool to trip up the couple.  When they get married, the devil does everything to stop the couple from having sex (which in this case is right within marriage).  The very act that was so good under the wrong circumstance, becomes a problem for a couple under the right circumstances.  Back to my point, the devil will try to keep you from marrying and once you are, he’ll do whatever’s necessary to destroy it, if you let him.  My job, on the other hand, is to make you aware of what’s happening.

It’s all a matter of perspective.   If 50% end in divorce, that means 50% don’t.  So where is the good 50%.  50% of the marriages you know are good or at least not going through a divorce or hard times.  The numbers are equal yet it’s hard to name those who are on the good side of the 50%.  Does this not strike you as interesting?  It does me because it’s…normal.  It’s normal to see the negative before you see the positive.  

Here’s an exercise to help change your perspective.  Identify as many healthy and positive marriages/relationships that you can find.  What do these couples have that you can use to improve your relationship results?  Leave a comment below and let them know that you admire what they have.